Paperwork

It arrived two days ago; via First Class Mail, with my name and address glaring through the rectangular window.

The first page basically outlines what is in said package, and well, blah blah blah...

On the second page they tell you what most people mess up on and how it often delays their departure. Then some guy's name to call if there are questions. I bet he loves his job.

I thought the third page [REPORT OF PHYSICAL ABILITIES] was a little thought provoking, question #5 being my particular favorite:

Can you bend, squat, kneel and climb without any problems? (Remember, many countries only have squat type toilets)

( ) Yes ( ) No

Question: How do the later two relate to the former [kneel and climb in relation to bend and squat?]

Dress Code Debacle

Today, everybody is writing about The Sopranos. I really don’t give a flying, and the fact that so many people are concerned with it, kind of scares me. I watched it, it was a good show; now get on with your dismal lives.

In any case, the weather has changed...and it's getting f&*@##$%^ hot! I slowly wandered into DC only two metro stops, got off, and was sweating profusely. It occurred to me that, if I was suffering, then what in the hell were people in suits and ties going through? It's that time of year when baby blue shirts turn into navy blue, pink to neon red, only two seconds after stepping out of the office. It's that time of year when you walk into the office and some loser tells you, "It must be hot out there." And you respond with, “And that’s why you’re a secretary.”

So this got me to thinking about doing away with suits, ties, and slacks. Rather, nice khaki shorts, short sleeve shirts, and sandals. Switching attire has a high probability of lowering that sweaty stank from all your employees who have to walk blocks to your building…which is about 90 percent. Morale can only go up, and stress decline. I realize there are construction workers around the country calling me a pussy right now…but they are also the one’s in shorts and t-shirts. And "casual Friday" is bs. All that goes is the suit.

Note: Be especially sensitive on Mondays. They are especially pleasant because the AC has been off the entire weekend to conserve energy -- and takes light years for it to come on, this morning was not a neat reminder.

Zoo Part Deux

Memo To all Tourists

I realize this post is about a month or so too late. But it is still possible to contain the problem. Depending on where you are from, the levees broke, or put another way: your kids were let out on their summer break. This resulted in you making a big mistake -- the family pilgrimage to the nations capital, where I now reside. In Salt Lake, they came in the winter; in DC they come in the summer. I really need to start finding a place of employment that has zero monuments/historical sites.

The following are three simple tips to help losers visiting the DC area, if you already know them, congratulations, you are not a loser, still read them anyway:

1. Most of us use the Metro system. Avoid this mode of transportation during the hours of 6-10am and 4-7 pm. In fact, don't use it at all. Take taxis, you don't know what to do when the doors open, or what side of the escalator to stand on. (walk= left side; stand= right side, and yes, this applies to both up and down those technological marvels) And you look at the map like its fireworks on the fourth of July.

2. When piles of you disembark those large buses and invade eating establishments, try to avoid this and pack a lunch. Seriously, go to the store, buy some bread and lunch meat, and fix up a bologna surprise. This goes for lunch and dinner. I dare you to try a Starbucks Monday thru Friday -- we work here, which means we drink here, which means we need our coffee a hell of a lot more than you. A great distraction example are the little t-shirt vendors, they are really there to keep you out of our malls.

3. If you ask us where a certain monument is, we will screw with you. If you can't figure out which is which, we will take advantage of it. If you ask us where the Lincoln is, we will send you to Jefferson. Same goes for the Holocaust, when you really want Air and Space. Educate yourself before you come, it gives us more of a challenge.

Other places to go visit rather than DC: Canada.

The Zoo

It’s not every day you wake up and immediately find yourself in the distinguished company of the top four or five percent of the population – I’m making the most of my new found status, as it could change any day now. I relish my new found sense of accomplishment, realizing that such a feat is not easily attainable. The risk itself is enough to make some cringe and back out at the last minute.

The benefits certainly are overwhelming. For example, rather than motivational speaking tours, I am able to make long anticipated trips to the zoo, displaying to little elementary school kids everywhere, that they too will someday, if they apply themselves, walk around this park with their heads held high in pride.

With a stalwart bloody mary-screw driver-mimosa pregame under my belt, I march past the lion sentinels and into the National Zoo. It’s been a good five years or so since stepping into a sanctuary of caged beasts. This place is a huge crap shoot. Some of them know you are coming, and hide behind bushes. Thank God it’s free. After a couple hours meandering I leave with one conclusion: there needs to be a certain time when adults can visit, and certain times when children can, OR double the quantity of animals and make two parks: one for adults and one for children/families.

More in common

There is an article out there today which sheds some portion of light into the Israeli decision to take over the West Bank and East Jerusalem in the Six-Day War. While his questions are worth a thought, so is the commonality of the US decision to take over Iraq. One key difference is that we do intend to leave Iraq, while Israel is far from releasing the WB and EJ. Worth a read, just to get the international affairs part of your brain moving.

Drug Store Protocol

It happened again. Convenience /Drug store customers never cease to amaze me. I can only imagine what it must feel like for the employees. Be it a CVS, Rite Aid, or Walgreen’s, it's all the same. I don't think it helped that I had been slow roasting in the afternoon heat and so therefore, displayed Bush-like patience. Here is my case, brought before the masses, for a simple, standard in Drug Store Protocol, known as DSP:

Violation resultant in disbarment from aforementioned establishments within a 10 mile radius from my apartment.

Section 1.1

Mass grocery shopping to be left to the supermarkets. Applicable, but not limited to, Safeway, Harris Teeter, Giant, Albertson's, and Trader Joe's. Notice, you have plenty of other options -- they also have amazing engineering and logistical devices known as "express lanes" and "self-checkout", drug stores do not. There is a reason for that. Compliance is appreciated.

Section 1.2

Not paying attention while talking on cellular devices, that lead to stupid questions and the trying on of cheap pink or blue sandals, is frowned on as an act of the highest level of stupidity. Notice any changing rooms at a CVS? That's because you shouldn't be buying articles of clothing there in the first place. Do this at the mall or your other retail options. Again applicable, but not limited to, Nordstrom’s, Macy's, Meier & Frank, Mervyns. You can try on as many exciting outfits there as you like.

Section 1.3

Be it understood that Drug/Convenience Stores are intended for the sole purpose of buying crap in small quantities. There are no shopping carts, only hand carts. Guess why? They don't want you to buy a lot of stuff. Neither do I, and every poor soul standing behind you. There is not a produce, meat or delicatessen. Therefore, there is nothing to smell and make sure it "feels right". Everything is in some package form. The clerk doesn't even ask you if you want paper or plastic. That's because if you are normal, you don't need a bag. You take your gum, magazine, or bottle of water and leave the premise. The following items take priority:

a) Prescription refills
b) Gum
c) Water
d) Magazines