Memo To all Tourists

I realize this post is about a month or so too late. But it is still possible to contain the problem. Depending on where you are from, the levees broke, or put another way: your kids were let out on their summer break. This resulted in you making a big mistake -- the family pilgrimage to the nations capital, where I now reside. In Salt Lake, they came in the winter; in DC they come in the summer. I really need to start finding a place of employment that has zero monuments/historical sites.

The following are three simple tips to help losers visiting the DC area, if you already know them, congratulations, you are not a loser, still read them anyway:

1. Most of us use the Metro system. Avoid this mode of transportation during the hours of 6-10am and 4-7 pm. In fact, don't use it at all. Take taxis, you don't know what to do when the doors open, or what side of the escalator to stand on. (walk= left side; stand= right side, and yes, this applies to both up and down those technological marvels) And you look at the map like its fireworks on the fourth of July.

2. When piles of you disembark those large buses and invade eating establishments, try to avoid this and pack a lunch. Seriously, go to the store, buy some bread and lunch meat, and fix up a bologna surprise. This goes for lunch and dinner. I dare you to try a Starbucks Monday thru Friday -- we work here, which means we drink here, which means we need our coffee a hell of a lot more than you. A great distraction example are the little t-shirt vendors, they are really there to keep you out of our malls.

3. If you ask us where a certain monument is, we will screw with you. If you can't figure out which is which, we will take advantage of it. If you ask us where the Lincoln is, we will send you to Jefferson. Same goes for the Holocaust, when you really want Air and Space. Educate yourself before you come, it gives us more of a challenge.

Other places to go visit rather than DC: Canada.