Memo To all Tourists

I realize this post is about a month or so too late. But it is still possible to contain the problem. Depending on where you are from, the levees broke, or put another way: your kids were let out on their summer break. This resulted in you making a big mistake -- the family pilgrimage to the nations capital, where I now reside. In Salt Lake, they came in the winter; in DC they come in the summer. I really need to start finding a place of employment that has zero monuments/historical sites.

The following are three simple tips to help losers visiting the DC area, if you already know them, congratulations, you are not a loser, still read them anyway:

1. Most of us use the Metro system. Avoid this mode of transportation during the hours of 6-10am and 4-7 pm. In fact, don't use it at all. Take taxis, you don't know what to do when the doors open, or what side of the escalator to stand on. (walk= left side; stand= right side, and yes, this applies to both up and down those technological marvels) And you look at the map like its fireworks on the fourth of July.

2. When piles of you disembark those large buses and invade eating establishments, try to avoid this and pack a lunch. Seriously, go to the store, buy some bread and lunch meat, and fix up a bologna surprise. This goes for lunch and dinner. I dare you to try a Starbucks Monday thru Friday -- we work here, which means we drink here, which means we need our coffee a hell of a lot more than you. A great distraction example are the little t-shirt vendors, they are really there to keep you out of our malls.

3. If you ask us where a certain monument is, we will screw with you. If you can't figure out which is which, we will take advantage of it. If you ask us where the Lincoln is, we will send you to Jefferson. Same goes for the Holocaust, when you really want Air and Space. Educate yourself before you come, it gives us more of a challenge.

Other places to go visit rather than DC: Canada.

The Zoo

It’s not every day you wake up and immediately find yourself in the distinguished company of the top four or five percent of the population – I’m making the most of my new found status, as it could change any day now. I relish my new found sense of accomplishment, realizing that such a feat is not easily attainable. The risk itself is enough to make some cringe and back out at the last minute.

The benefits certainly are overwhelming. For example, rather than motivational speaking tours, I am able to make long anticipated trips to the zoo, displaying to little elementary school kids everywhere, that they too will someday, if they apply themselves, walk around this park with their heads held high in pride.

With a stalwart bloody mary-screw driver-mimosa pregame under my belt, I march past the lion sentinels and into the National Zoo. It’s been a good five years or so since stepping into a sanctuary of caged beasts. This place is a huge crap shoot. Some of them know you are coming, and hide behind bushes. Thank God it’s free. After a couple hours meandering I leave with one conclusion: there needs to be a certain time when adults can visit, and certain times when children can, OR double the quantity of animals and make two parks: one for adults and one for children/families.

More in common

There is an article out there today which sheds some portion of light into the Israeli decision to take over the West Bank and East Jerusalem in the Six-Day War. While his questions are worth a thought, so is the commonality of the US decision to take over Iraq. One key difference is that we do intend to leave Iraq, while Israel is far from releasing the WB and EJ. Worth a read, just to get the international affairs part of your brain moving.

Drug Store Protocol

It happened again. Convenience /Drug store customers never cease to amaze me. I can only imagine what it must feel like for the employees. Be it a CVS, Rite Aid, or Walgreen’s, it's all the same. I don't think it helped that I had been slow roasting in the afternoon heat and so therefore, displayed Bush-like patience. Here is my case, brought before the masses, for a simple, standard in Drug Store Protocol, known as DSP:

Violation resultant in disbarment from aforementioned establishments within a 10 mile radius from my apartment.

Section 1.1

Mass grocery shopping to be left to the supermarkets. Applicable, but not limited to, Safeway, Harris Teeter, Giant, Albertson's, and Trader Joe's. Notice, you have plenty of other options -- they also have amazing engineering and logistical devices known as "express lanes" and "self-checkout", drug stores do not. There is a reason for that. Compliance is appreciated.

Section 1.2

Not paying attention while talking on cellular devices, that lead to stupid questions and the trying on of cheap pink or blue sandals, is frowned on as an act of the highest level of stupidity. Notice any changing rooms at a CVS? That's because you shouldn't be buying articles of clothing there in the first place. Do this at the mall or your other retail options. Again applicable, but not limited to, Nordstrom’s, Macy's, Meier & Frank, Mervyns. You can try on as many exciting outfits there as you like.

Section 1.3

Be it understood that Drug/Convenience Stores are intended for the sole purpose of buying crap in small quantities. There are no shopping carts, only hand carts. Guess why? They don't want you to buy a lot of stuff. Neither do I, and every poor soul standing behind you. There is not a produce, meat or delicatessen. Therefore, there is nothing to smell and make sure it "feels right". Everything is in some package form. The clerk doesn't even ask you if you want paper or plastic. That's because if you are normal, you don't need a bag. You take your gum, magazine, or bottle of water and leave the premise. The following items take priority:

a) Prescription refills
b) Gum
c) Water
d) Magazines

...Armenia

As luck would have it, Alexandria hosted their annual Armenian Festival the weekend I got the news; and it's a good thing cause I know basically nothing about this entire area. I realize I could go somewhere else (like Georgia or Azerbaijan) but I thought I would make a conscience effort to learn as much as I can about all three.

First off, this country is learning to cope with the workings of a free market economy. When I told one lady what I would be doing, she sounded optimistic about the IT industry there. Okay, so far so good. I asked the same lady what the weather is like there, she mentioned that winters extended into May! This is sounding better as the conversation keeps going -- I'm more a fan of winter than summer. Then, I walked over to some Armenian volunteer society booth and discussed what is going on with Armenia and it's neighbors, most notably, Iran. This lady told me Armenia happens to be just 30 minutes by plane to Tehran and that, contrary to our western media and the neo-con community, actually quite safe. While I don't think I'll be breaking bread with the Ayatollah, passport privileges permitting, I could see my curiosity getting the best of me.

Caucasus Region

It took me a while to figure out exactly where it was the recruiter told me I would be off to. Then, he told me I had been nominated for a computer science project in either Georgia, Armenia, or Azerbaijan early in '08. I know just about nothing regarding this area...which makes it all the more interesting.

More details later...

Banker tapped for Bank

It seems every time our el Presidente taps someone for a certain position, his party cringes and the rest of us puke. The World Bank was filled with someone who led the design of arguably the most controversial war in US history, a female fossil for a Supreme Court Justice spot, and a short fuzed-milk man to play nice with the rest of the world. All that being said, the most recent tap seems, in hindsight, a pretty decent one.

It helps that it is someone with banking experience, coupled with a diplomatic (rather than militaristic) background. He just looks like a banker. I can easily see him staring at me over the counter and saying, "Sir, you'll need to fill out a deposit slip for that." Only this time it's going to be, "Cambodia, we'll reduce the interest rate on you 30 year loan by 25% if you stop selling your under 14 population as sex slaves."